Medalling: The Olympian effort of health reform

While medals might be hard-won, there is little real satisfaction for victors in the Health Reform Games because whatever their gains, they will likely be lost when the next event begins

Forget the Hunger Games; there’s another dystopian show in town.

The Health Reform Games are not a fight to the death involving people with finely honed skills battling at all costs to survive – well, not quite.

However, these games do come with a touch of Orwellian charm – the overlord commissioner who controls all, the reappearance of policies and advisors thought lost to time, hiring freezes amid staff shortages, and budgets offered when already spent. It’s crazy stuff.

The games have been honed over the years as hospital boards became area health boards then Crown Health Enterprises and regional health authorities then district health boards then Te Whatu Ora. Elsewhere IPAs became PHOs and then, for a short time, localities arose only to be abandoned. The Ministry of Health was split and reformed, Te Aka Whai Ora dismantled and iwi Māori partnership boards were uplifted.

Each twist and turn has driven a range of specialty disciplines unique to these games yet with oddly familiar names.

You might not start the games with a specialty but there’s a good chance you will have one well-refined within a matter of months. So, what’s on offer?

Archery: Can you hit a moving health target? Do you know how to really, really make a point? It’s about staying focused in a maelstrom.

Boxing: Not the physical fisticuffs you might be familiar with, but rather the lesser-known art of boxing up your office belongings in short, sharp fashion. Not a top ticket at these games, but there’s beauty in the movement.

Fencing: In a sector where infrastructure desperately needs maintenance, this discipline encircles any problem and erects “no trespassers” signs. A problem fenced is a problem gone, invisible, deniable, zilch.

Sport climbing: With the churn of roles at senior management, the agility required to stay employed makes this specialty fast-paced and a perennial favourite with the fans. High chance of betting at this event.

Trampolining: How high can you bounce, and where exactly will you land? Apply for your current job – renamed or restructured – hopefully not redundant.

Wrestling: Wrangling those funding shortfalls calls for subtle but superb financial nous. Wrestling with Treasury officials, external consultants or even your boss can deliver some significant blows – resilience training essential.

Surfing: Can’t keep up with change? Embrace it, climb on board and accept that change will be constant. This discipline requires corridor cool, with many utilising blinkers as they catch a wave of change.

Breaking: Debate continues as to whether spinning on your head and at speed is truly a sport, but this specialty has Health Reform Games written all over it. Fuelled by multi-page restructuring directives, breaking is generally a specialty of those low on the hierarchy. Often a hazard to other competitors due to their numbers and necessity.

While medals might be hard-won, there is little real satisfaction for victors in the Health Reform Games because whatever their gains, they will likely be lost when the next event begins.

So, a whimsy on reform, game craft and derring-do, not to belie the human cost to all – the managers, the sector workers, the clinicians, the patients and the whānau – but to offer a short respite. Let the Games end, soon, and may the odds be ever in your favour.