It’s the best of A Few Words for 2021

• My funniest moment from my hospital days was in Australia, where I once went to work as a locum at the wrong hospital. I was cauterising a patient with epistaxis in the emergency department when the correct hospital rang to find out where I was. Geraldine Wilson

• When a lady once came in and asked for a referral to bariatric surgery as she was bloated. Sobia Imran

• Without a doubt my funniest moment as a GP was when I met fellow GP Ken Young. He’s a massively strong Scotsman. When he turned up at my practice 20 years ago, I said “Ken, I need to move that cabinet over there.” Before I could say anything else he bellowed at me, “I’ll do it!” He tried lifting it, he was huffing and puffing and going all red and I yelled, “Ken, it’s screwed to the floor!” Dave Baldwin

• Matire isn’t a common name, so when I heard my name being called in the waiting room and told to sit still, it took me a while to click that we had a two-year-old patient named Matire, too. Matire Harwood

• The time I was gifted a single bar of Palmolive soap (unwrapped). Another time I received a regifted hand and body lotion set (opened bottles and complete with gift card to the original recipient). Linda Lum

• After an IT upgrade, I removed the keys on a colleague’s keyboard and replaced them in different places. Chris Fawcett

• As a paramedic many years ago, I was having a wee play in an off-road ambulance buggy while on duty and accidentally rolled it in front of management. I was very lucky to have kept my job! Carlton Irving

• My funniest moment as a doctor was the female Congolese patient in Belgium passionately trying to convince me (in French with a musical African accent) to keep trying for a boy when I told her I had four daughters. Wim Ruelens

• My funniest moment was when we employed a new staff member also named Mark. By the first morning tea, he was known as Nice Mark. Mark Eager

• As a GP registrar I was performing a home visit on a river boat, harboured by the Thames in west London. The patient’s cat suddenly erupted in a fit of hisses and leaps, trying to catch what looked like a rat. So, my funniest moment was when, to my patient’s delight, I managed to capture the large, furry creature by prising it away from the ginger tom unharmed. I released it outside only to then realise it was a water vole – an endangered species endemic to the area. Reza Jarral

• One morning when I had to man the reception desk and some patients couldn’t figure out why the “receptionist” was playing doctor as well. Munanga Mwandila

• My funniest moment at general practice is when a staff member responsible for social media accidentally posted an “eyebrow rant” (anyone over 35 may need to Google this) on the Feilding Health Care Facebook page. We got a few likes before it was taken down! Nicky Hart

• My funniest moment as a practice nurse was when someone asked me if I had come out of retirement to help with the COVID response. I was born in the 1990s! Tyla Sorensen

• I think general practice, unfortunately, is dying from the sad imbalance between expectations and funding. While it was a great thing to be doing in my parents’ day, it can no longer attract many of the smart young ones. Really dispiriting for those who would really like to do it and do it well, but just can’t achieve the lifestyle they deserve as New Zealand GPs. Peter Boot

• Three things about general practice that I would like to see changed are that all patients should have a completed medical history summary in their records; general practice should be fully funded so it is free of charge to patients; and GPs should be salaried. Richard McCubbin

• Three things I’d like to see changed about midwifery practice are: fair and reasonable working conditions for all midwives; enhanced primary care sector networking; improved infrastructure for midwifery practice support (locum, education, business costs etc.) Violet Clapham

• Three things I would like to see changed in nursing are the need to constantly remind decision-makers that they need nurses around the table; a greater recognition of the huge, as-yet-untapped potential in nursing; and I am always greatly troubled by reports of bullying. It seems so antithetical to who we are. Jenny Carryer

• The three things I’d like to see changed about general practice are more funding, more time, more resources for rural, more NPs, better understanding of the NP role, NPs not working like GPs or, if they are, having pay parity – oops that’s more than three. Kate Stark

• People with bigger brains than mine are dealing with the many changes needed in general practice but, off the top of my head, the three things I would like to see changed are: DHBs removed from the equation – they don’t know enough about our community, it’s not all statistics; better records-sharing; and better integration of associated services. Kiwa Raureti

• Three things I would like to see changed about general practice are changes to the funding structure to allow more flexibility in how we see our patients; making general practice the specialty training scheme of choice for junior doctors; and expanding the general practice team to include a wider variety of roles, so that GPs can focus on seeing patients and spend less time doing paperwork. Dayna More

Specialist GP Sobia Imran, Auckland; specialist GP Peter Boot, Auckland; specialist GP Richard McCubbin, Waikari; specialist GP Dave Baldwin, Bulls; midwife Violet Clapham, Christchurch; GP Matire Harwood (Ngāpuhi), Auckland; specialist GP Linda Lum, Auckland; nursing professor Jenny Carryer, Palmerston North; registered paramedic Carlton Irving (Te Whakatōhea), Dunedin; nurse practitioner Kate Stark, Roxburgh; specialist GP Reza Jarral, Auckland; specialist GP Chris Fawcett, Kāpiti; specialist GP Wim Ruelens, Gisborne; Mobile Health boss Mark Eager, Christchurch; chief executive Kiwa Raureti (Ngāti Raukawa, Ngāti Rangitihi), Ōtaki; specialist GP Amar Saasan, Picton; specialist GP Munanga Mwandila, Christchurch; specialist GP Geraldine Wilson, Christchurch; specialist GP Dayna More, Invercargill; chief executive Nicky Hart, Feilding; and practice nurse Tyla Sorensen, Auckland.